The Waiting Walk

Twenty-seven years ago today I graduated from high school.

There were 11 of us that graduated from Oklahoma Academy in the class of ’99. We were the last graduating class of the 1900’s…

What would I say to that girl if I could go back in time?

Dear Elizabeth – congratulations! You’re leaving the safety of school and structure, and getting ready to head out into the world. The literal other side of the world, to be exact. You’re going to have the time of your life this next year, teaching second graders as a student missionary. Don’t be nervous. Don’t be scared. You will truly love it.

From homeschool girl to graduating from Oklahoma Academy, it’s been a journey. So many of your friends really didn’t enjoy their time at OA. Many of them didn’t stay until graduation. Many of them will look back years and years later and still detest their time there.

But you won’t be one of them. You resisted the rules at times, sure, and of course you enjoyed a good argument with any staff member willing to engage in a philosophical or theological discussion, but you had fun. You made good memories.

It is hard for you, right now, to look at your classmates that resisted their time here, and understand where they’re coming from. You feel like they must not be right with God. Or they just must not be as good as you in some ways. You don’t get it. You had fun – why couldn’t they?

But know this. Someday you will look back on those years, and at the ways your friends reacted and resisted, and you’ll have a revelation. It will someday make sense. And you’ll connect with those friends in new ways then, even though you’ll still have your differences; it will be beautiful. And your differences will fade because you’ll realize your similarities are so much stronger and more beautiful. And those years that were painful for them? Yes, you’ll get it. You’ll feel some pain too, someday, as you process so many things…

These friendships you’ve formed here, these classmates, will be ones you hang on to. Loosely at first. And much more spontaneously – an email here, a text there, a social media connection eventually (you’ll find out what all these things are later). But then, sadly, in about 17 years you’ll receive word that one of these guys here with you today has left this world. You and your classmates will connect intentionally then, in mourning, but after that you’ll stay connected as a closer group of friends.

Devastatingly, a few years later a second one will be lost. Two out of eleven class of ’99 graduates will not make it to 45 years old. So treasure these moments today. Say the kind words. Give the parting hugs. Leave on a happy note. And know that the rest of you, you who they leave behind, will be there for each other through the grief that will come all too soon.

Shock will come again, but this time it will be you. You, the one who “did it right” and who “fit in” at OA and who stayed in the church and who married a pastor… it’s you who will be getting the divorce. But these sweet friends of yours will be there for you. So there for you. What a gift they’ll be at that time. Treasure them.

And as you pick up your children and the pieces of your life, you’ll think a lot about your three years in high school – especially since your own kids will be in the thick of high school at that point. You’ll think a lot about a lot of things, truly. But you’ll mentally retrace the steps of how you came to believe the things you believe now, here, today. Some of it explicitly taught. Some of it caught. But so much of it harmful, really. Not maliciously doled out, no. But harmful nonetheless. Purity culture, though you won’t know it by that name until so many years from now, has been alive and well throughout your time at OA. And being the good Christian girl who wanted only and always to please God above all else… you have eaten it up.

But you’ll be ok in the end. It’s nothing you can’t recover from, with some serious, intentional healing work.

Speaking of, you are going to really love your therapist 27 years from now. And you are going to be consuming books and other resources like they’re going out of style as you seek to understand who you were, who you became, and who God wants you to be. Who He created you to be. You’re going to love the journey, actually. But there will be times, oh so many times, when you look back on these three years at OA and say “Ohhhhhh.”

The bubble can sometimes protect us. But it can also stunt us, and cause us to miss out on the beauty and goodness of other people, of beliefs that honor God while looking so different from the script we are used to… Sometimes it both protects us and stunts us at the same time. Ya. I know. Mind blowing. You’ll learn, someday, to embrace this Both/And.

Overall, as you look back in 27 years, your good memories will still be good. Your friends you’ve made will still be your friends – friends that you’ll be able to relate to even more as you deconstruct much of what you learned and believed these last three years and before. And you’ll really love and appreciate that, due to your experience here, you will be able to relate to many, many other women who have also come out of purity culture and are realizing how much better and how much more God wants for us. For all of us humans. But especially for women.

You won’t regret these OA years. Twenty-seven years from now, you’ll love who you see in the mirror. And you’ll know – this girl you will see, staring back at you – she is who she is because of everything leading up to that point. And that includes today. It includes these last three years at OA. So mostly you’ll remember them fondly.

Also interesting is that this will be the only graduation you march at until you get your Masters Degree! You’ll skip your associate’s degree community college grad, and then your undergrad degree graduation will feel like too much of a burden to attend as it will require a trip back from out of state. You’ll regret that choice a little bit… and unpack why on earth you’d have felt like a burden. But then, somehow, you’ll manage to complete a Master’s Degree through both the middle of a world-wide pandemic AND your marriage being blown up and subsequent divorce. But you’ll do it! That same grit and determination that you’ve shown all through your high school years with doing your best and seeking academic perfection – that won’t change. Marching down the aisle now – it feels exciting but also sad and a bit scary. When you march down the aisle for your Masters in about 24 years, you will barely be able to contain the gratitude, the pride, the contentment, the peace, the satisfaction that you feel. God is good. Always. But you’ll feel it extra that day.

You are going to really, really love the future version of yourself.

But enough about the future. Here we are. It’s time to graduate. Time to move out into your adult life. Please know, please hang on to the fact, that the best things are yet to come. Some really bumpy things will come as well. Life won’t go the ways you thought it would on so many levels. But 27 years from now, when you look back, you’ll be thankful for this time. For these relationships. For these experiences.

Happy Graduation Day!

*Apologies for the picture quality. These were taken back in the 1900’s…