The Waiting Walk

December 18, 2021 was a Saturday. Sabbath.

I now refer to it as my Freedom Day. It was the day I moved from death to life. From despair to hope. Probably the one most impactful day of my entire life.

From darkness to light.

It was the day the world as I knew it exploded.

Three months earlier when I was informed that a divorce was in our near future, I had finally stopped pretending all was well and had started to deal with the reality that all was actually quite UNwell. And yet stubborn, determined me continued to hang on. Insist that we work things out. Insist that through Christ we could do all things and make it work.

Perhaps I was being honest, but I was still desperate to control things and get the “happily ever after” that I thought was the only correct and good outcome. The “biblical” outcome. The outcome I had taken a vow to ensure.

But that November, I shifted. I don’t remember what exactly sparked my query, but I went through the Bible and wrote down all the verses that spoke about the light shining into the darkness. Because things in my life, my home, my marriage, were so, so very dark. And I was realizing I could not continue in THIS, whatever darkness “this” was. I was beginning to let go of clinging to that “happily ever after,” and instead was testing out clinging solely to God – come what may.

December 18, 2021. That day Light shown brightly into my darkness, and I have never been the same.

Four years ago today the “come what may” came. The trajectory of my life took a hard turn. Everything I’d imagined for my future evaporated in an instant. And yet that light suddenly shining into that darkness left me feeling safe. Sure of my path forward. Confident that I was walking towards a good life. Boldly leaving the darkness behind.

Stepping into that light was a decision I’ve never regretted even for one second.

I’ve been thinking about light in the darkness a lot this month. This month’s Bible curriculum I’ve been teaching is called “Light in Darkness.” This week’s memory verse was 1 John 1:5 – “God is LIGHT. In Him there is no darkness at all.” As I listened to all my third and fourth graders repeat this verse from memory, I remembered writing it down in my journal over four years ago. I had also written the verse following: “If we say we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not practice the truth…”

I knew I was being guided in the right way. “For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness.” 2 Samuel 22:29

I clung to the promise that “There is no darkness nor shadow of death where the workers of iniquity may hide themselves,” and I continued to pray that all that was being hidden would be revealed. (Job 34;22)

I claimed God’s promise that darkness, as powerful as it seemed, was no match for Him. “Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from you, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to you.” Psalm 139:12

I knew that much in my home and life was upside down – things that were wrong were being carried out as though they were right, and it had to stop. “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.” Isaiah 5:20. The upside down would be righted again, if I allowed God to speak into my life instead of listening to other voices.

I claimed the promise that “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined.” I had been living in that land of death and oh how I longed to feel that light shining down on me and my children… (Isaiah 9:2)

I clung tightly to the idea that “When I fall, I will arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me.” Yes, Lord – BE THAT LIGHT TO ME! (Micah 7:8)

I had been praying these and a dozen other verses on a daily basis, all November, into December. As the anniversary of the birth of the Light of the World was approaching (aka Christmas), I longed deeply for His light to shine into my life, my heart, my home. I longed to once again know that I was firmly within the will of God, that I was safe, that there was no darkness hiding anything in my home or my marriage. How long had it been since I had felt that assurance completely…?

And so my quest for all verses on this topic began, and so the desperate prayers of a not-so-young wife and mother shifted from “please let me have what I want” to “May your light so overwhelm my life, my home, my relationships, that the path forward will be undeniably clear. And then may I have the strength to step forward on that path.”

I will be forever grateful I was able to make that shift in what I was praying for.

My prayer was answered that December day, as God, “who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts” stepped in to do just that for me. (1 Corinthians 4:5) “For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone on our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” 2 Corinthians 4:6

Four years ago I entered a Christmas season filled with unknowns, adrenaline, making sudden plans for a future I’d never imagined, calling lawyers, and just trying to wrap my head around what my reality suddenly entailed.

Three years ago at this time I expected peace but instead was confronted with anxiety and a body that was remembering all those emotions from a year earlier. I spent the whole season on edge and seeking to process all the changes that the last year had brought – and there were many!

In 2023 and 2024 I started to relax and was once again able to feel the sweet joy and peace that comes from celebrating the true Light of the world.

And so I sit here in 2025. The Christmas concerts are finished. Tomorrow is my last day of school until the New Year. Lights decorate my living room. I feel alive. I feel at peace. I feel so eternally grateful that four years ago, God answered my plea and sent the Light of His Presence into my life. That He rescued me from darkness. That His lamp has been a light to my feet continually since that day, allowing me to see His path ahead for me.

Are you sensing darkness in your life? Overwhelmed and can’t even articulate what is wrong? I challenge you to pray the prayer. To ask God to shine His light into the darkness surrounding you. And while the results may surprise you, I promise that if you step foot into that glorious light, you won’t regret it for even one second.

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more… ‘I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.’ ” John 8:11-12

Amen.

May it be so.