The Waiting Walk

It’s Thanksgiving morning as I write. All but one of my children are here in my home, and a couple significant others are enjoying this week with us as well.

And this morning, I am grateful.

I am grateful for my children. I am grateful that all of them are choosing to maintain a relationship with me at this point. We’ve had our moments, and I’ve shed many tears in this last month. I’ve said many times before that if they were to choose to walk away or put some distance, I would understand, though with a broken heart. But today, for now at least, we are all in relationship. For this I am grateful.

I am grateful that even though all of my children are struggling with one thing or another, they’re all choosing to move forward in life. They’re in school, they’re getting jobs, they’re seeking to navigate relationships in healthy ways. They’re striking out and discovering what works for them, what doesn’t, and making choices accordingly. I’m so proud of them.

I’m grateful for my extended family – my parents, my brother, and more. I wouldn’t be as emotionally stable as I am today without the unwavering support that my family has provided, even from a distance. There isn’t a value high enough to place on this level of support, and I am just overflowing with gratitude.

I am grateful for my school family. Coworkers that care, that are kind, and that support each other freely and generously. Administration that truly tries to provide each teacher exactly what they need, pushing us to be our very best and still honoring us as individuals. I’m grateful for my students, the sweet class dynamic this year, and for their parents. Going to work each day is something I enjoy, and that is absolutely something to be grateful for.

I am thankful for my church family. I have felt welcomed and included. I’ve been invited different places and into homes. I’ve been asked to share from the pulpit. I have people here that I can truly call my friends. I have friends who check in on me, who I know I can call if I need a shoulder to cry on or a partner to hike with. I’m grateful for this community.

I am thankful for my tribe. The women in my life who allow me to be me, who invite me to show up just as I am. Who accept me whether I’m showing up with snarky comments about life’s happenings, with fears for the future, with misgivings about my ability to parent, with questions about life, or just as simply tired from a long day. They allow me to celebrate even the smallest of joys, to cry about things both big and small, and even to vent and rage if the occasion calls for it. There is something so sacred about being able to simply BE. To just SHOW UP. To exist in a space with other humans and never, ever feel like I am either too much or not enough – this is a gift and a privilege and an honor. The level of contentment and strength that this tribe has added to my life is invaluable. My cup of gratitude is overflowing.

I’m grateful for a car that is comfortable and reliable. And for heated seats and a heated steering wheel. And for a garage so I don’t have to shovel it out when it snows.

I’m grateful for a home that is large enough to accommodate family get-togethers and small group meetings, and is a sweet haven for me even when it’s only me.

I’m grateful for my view each day as I walk to school. For day-trips to cute little towns or along scenic mountain highways. For majestic mountains and an ever-changing sky. For opportunities to hike in the mountains, beside streams, or on endless plains. I’m grateful for sunsets, for rolling thunderstorms, for mountain streams, and for rainbows. I love where I live, and every day at least once a day I look around, take a deep breath, and sigh a big, contented sigh. There is so much beauty in my life, and for this I am grateful every single day.

I’m thankful for warm drinks and for children’s laughter, for bright sunshine and cool breezes, for garter snakes, fruit trees, and soft grass. I’m thankful for my son’s high school friends who call me mom, for friendly waves from neighbors, and for the wild turkeys that grace us with their presence morning and night. I’m thankful for teddy bears and cozy blankets, for music to match all occasions, for scented lotions and for sparkly hair clips. I’m grateful for this life I live, and I am choosing to live it to the fullest.

I am grateful, so very grateful, that I am in a place where I am capable of making a list like this. That I can feel grateful. That I am aware of these beautiful things. I am grateful for the healing process that has allowed me to be where, and who, I am today. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to continue to grow, to heal, to uncover new and deeper things about myself, and see with new eyes the beauty and adventures that are yet to come. I am so grateful that I am aware enough to understand that “moving on” isn’t a real viable option for deep happiness. That I am able to instead focus on moving forward, to face the reality both of the past and the present, and to choose what kind of reality I want to enjoy in the future. I am so grateful that these thoughts fill me with excitement and anticipation, with a zeal for life like I’ve never felt before.

And so, today, I am grateful. I am grateful for who I am today, both in spite of and because of all the things that have happened in my life to this point. And the fact that I am able to choose gratefulness after enduring so many things that my kids and I will never be grateful for? Well, that is a miracle, and I am grateful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving.