The Waiting Walk

Happy. Sad. Fabulous. Anxious. Grieved. Excited. Lonely. Terrific. Devastated. Calm. Discouraged. Joyful. Blah.

We might choose any one of these or other words to describe how we are feeling on any given day. My younger self would have only thought to pick one. My less-younger self had started to realize that I could feel more than one of these on any given day, but would have still wanted to pick just one. A positive one. I think we can all agree there are emotions that are generally viewed as positive and to be sought after, while some others are seen as negative and we wish to avoid them.

Many of us have spent and still spend a lot of time and energy squashing those emotions that we view as negative into a box. Shoving them down where we can’t feel them. Ignoring them even as they clamor for our attention. Pretending that they don’t exist.

But the me of today sees things in an entirely different light.

Feelings are just that – the way we feel. They are not good or bad. They are usually simply responses to the influences outside of us, though it is possible to reach an emotional place where our feelings become much less dependent on outside forces and are more regulated by how we feel about ourselves.

Learning to feel what we feel is important. Even if those feelings fall on the “negative” side of the scale. Our actions and words should absolutely always be run through a filter and placed under control. But feelings? They should be allowed to have a say. It is in allowing our feelings to have a seat at our table that we can uncover some of our deepest truths about ourselves. It is also the path to healing and to entering that space where outside influences no longer give us emotional whiplash; they can instead be relegated to something more akin to the back and forth gentle lapping of waves at the edge of a lake. Still present, still dynamic, but not controlling us or causing us harm.

A huge part of understanding who we are and of walking that path to healing comes in realizing that multiple feelings can and do exist together. Especially in realizing that opposite feelings, the ones from both the positive and the negative side of the equation, can exist together at the same time.

I call it the “both/ and” dichotomy.

You can feel BOTH excited to view a beautiful sunset AND disappointed that the day is over.

You can feel BOTH annoyed at the mess in the kitchen AND so very glad your child is learning to be independent and make their own meals.

You can feel BOTH devastated at the news of your parent’s terminal illness AND grateful that you had so many wonderful years with them.

You can feel BOTH relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering and in pain AND feel overwhelming sorrow and grief at their death.

You can feel BOTH intense concern about someone’s ideology AND still treat them with respect.

You can feel BOTH unease towards someone’s teachings that have caused harm AND not wish any harm on that person themself.

You can feel BOTH happy to spend a day at the park with your children AND stressed because you have deadlines and obligations that are still waiting for you.

You can feel BOTH immense relief to be out of an abusive situation AND immense grief that the relationship is over.

You can feel BOTH contented pleasure at being alone with the freedom to live a satisfying life AND an aching longing to share life adventures with a safe partner.

You can be BOTH thrilled that your child has left the nest, launching into their own independent life, AND feel lonely, missing that you won’t see them everyday anymore.

You can feel BOTH lovely anticipation about your future AND also be scared of the many unknowns that await.

You can feel BOTH happy AND sad about the same event.

You can feel BOTH love AND grief about the same person.

You can feel BOTH excited AND terrified about an upcoming life change.

We can feel these opposite emotions together, at the same time, about the same thing; accepting this reality is key to growth.

If we try to ignore and suppress one, focusing only on the other, we will not be able to fully experience life. We will not fully understand ourselves.

It’s OK and healthy to ask the question why – why am I happy/ scared/ excited/ terrified? Is that realistic? Is there something I can do to address the negative emotions? Is there a reality I need to face to temper the positive ones?

And then be honest. Sit with those feelings. Explore them. Figure out why they’re there. And in doing that, sometimes some of them disappear, and that’s OK. Having them disappear is not the same as ignoring them. Sometimes they grow, and that’s OK too. If they’re growing based on truth and reality, lean into it.

So where do you find yourself?

Are you still in the place where you can only come up with one emotion for each situation in your life?

Have you realized you are multi-dimensional but are still trying to ignore or squash everything that doesn’t feel good and positive?

Or have you come to the place of being able to embrace the “both/ and”?

I’d love to hear about it!