The Waiting Walk

October 9, 2021

The tears were hot and heavy.  The sobs shook my entire body. The terror and desperation overwhelming me threatened to choke the very breath out of me. This was not how things were supposed to be.  No. No. NO!

“God, DO SOMETHING!!!” Was it a plea? A demand? A request?

Whatever it was, it was more desperate than I had ever been in my entire life.

And God was there. 

He reached down and He whispered in my ear.  And the sobs stopped as I realized the place that crumpled-mess-me was flopped down in was actually holy ground.  A sacred space in time. 

God was here.  And He was speaking to me. 

“Let Go.” And suddenly I knew that this moment would change my life forever.  The decision I was about to make would impact not just me and my future, but my children’s futures and countless more people that as of yet I couldn’t even imagine. 

“Give it to me.”

And in that moment, I did. 

I let go of the dreams, of the control, of  everything known. Of everything that had once felt safe. It was a terrifying move. Yet it was also very simple.

The tears started flowing again, but now they were completely different.  The terror was gone.  I could breathe again.  The tears were coming from a place of strength.  Abundance.  Life.  Gratitude.  Safety.  So much gratitude and safety.

I was going to get through this.  The free fall I had just embarked on was invigorating rather than terrifying.  It was empowering rather than crippling. It was peaceful instead of chaotic. 

What did God tell me? The long version is that He said life might never be the same but that it would be OK.  That my children needed me more than anything or anyone else in the world at that moment.  That even if EVERYTHING I held dear fell apart, He would carry me.  That when I felt weak, He would be my strength.  That when I felt confused, He would be my wisdom.  That even while scared, I could make brave choices to do hard but good things. 

He told me I would never be alone. 

He did use words, which shall be saved for another time, but the message was so much bigger than the words.  He would be my everything.  And I was already His. 

That moment got me through the next three months of hopeful agony.  And when it did all fall apart (because it did indeed fall apart), when light shone into the darkness and I realized the remainder of my parenting journey needed to be done alone, a fierce calm overpowered me and a strength I had never known overwhelmed me. 

And God was enough. 

Completely and unquestionably enough. 

On that later December day when everything changed, I looked back to October 9, and remembered – I was not alone. 

I had never been alone.

And each year since, I have noticed and celebrated October 9.  I had been baptized by water years ago.  But this day marks when my relationship with Christ became tangible.  When my life truly changed. 

I’ve never been the same.  And I never, ever, want to go back to the girl I was before. 

Happy Recommitment-to-Christ-Day to me.

I pray each of you can experience the joy that comes from truly knowing Jesus in a deep, meaningful, and felt way.  Be willing to let go.

He will catch you.