The Waiting Walk

It was obvious. There was a problem with this child. More specifically, the problem was with his parents. He would not listen well when they asked him to do things. He would get into rooms and spaces at church where children were not supposed to be. The way he ran around made all the older people nervous. The accountability was just not there. He was running all over his parents and getting away with everything.

I saw the stares and heard the comments of the church folk around me. And while I tried to act neutral, I’m sure at times my agreement with the criticisms came through. After all, I had five kids who did everything I asked of them, and our story included trauma and all sorts of other things.  If I could parent “well” with my family, what was her excuse?*

We ended up working together after I had been there a year or so, and it wasn’t long before the big topics started coming up.  What was most confusing to me is that we were so similar and in agreement about so many things.  Including parenting philosophies!

But how could we agree on this and yet act so differently?

One day we addressed the elephant in the room.  And she told me. She saw the stares.  She heard the whispers. She felt the judgement that was freely passed on her and her family.  And yet… she was not planning to change anything any time soon. And the conversations that followed left me in a very uncomfortable place.  

Because by the time we were done, I no longer had advice. (If you don’t know me, this is a rare occurrence.)

I had only admiration. She was doing it right. And I hated that I felt that way, because her child still didn’t listen the way I thought he should.  He still got into places that children were not supposed to go.  He didn’t respond to correction the way I thought he should. But I had come to a very big realization. 

I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  

Who was I to assume I knew so much?

I didn’t know that even though this was a biological family who had always been together, that trauma had still crept in. No one had done anything wrong.  In their case it was medical complications (not the child’s). The timing and circumstances of this event in their lives took a toll on the whole family. Trauma affects the brain in so many ways…

I didn’t know that indeed this mother had tried being firm. Strict.  All the things that I believed she was lacking. All the things. For many years. 

I didn’t know that as she parented “correctly,” a tension and distance developed between her and her child.  Behaviors escalated. 

I didn’t know that the more she had done parenting the “right” way, the more anger and negative behaviors came out in her son.  The more she cracked down and tightened up, the more behaviors came out that were exactly opposite of what she wanted to see. 

I didn’t know that she had spent hours, days, even years by that point on her knees.  Begging God to help her know what to do with her son. 

I didn’t know that she had read and listened to and watched many, many educational resources to learn about parenting, about trauma, about child development, and about personal growth and development. This girl knew things! She really did.

I didn’t know that as she prayed and read and studied, she realized that love and relationship had to be the driving force in their family. It hadn’t been. But it needed to be.

I didn’t know that as she reframed her parenting to put her child first, to listen first, to love first, to put his needs first, that things changed for the positive. Her child had less anger, and he started to feel safe with her again. Instead of constant fights, they started enjoying cuddles on the couch, and conversations that never could have happened before.

I didn’t know that every single incident that I thought she ignored was actually being dealt with.  At a different time, and in a much different way than I would have considered appropriate, but it was being addressed. 

I didn’t know that even though there were still these big incidents that I assumed meant there were parenting issues, in reality things were getting better.  They didn’t happen as often as they used to. He was responding to his parents sooner.  He was listening better.  Something was going right, even though I couldn’t see it. 

I didn’t know that she actually knew what people thought of her.  Of her son.  What they were saying behind her back. But she did.  She knew it very well. 

I didn’t know that she had wrestled and fought and struggled with what to do with the judging stares and comments that surrounded her at church and any other event with church family. How exhausting it was to hold her head up and drive with her family there each week.

I just didn’t know all these things that I didn’t know.  

And once I knew, I no longer had advice. Sure, I wanted her son to behave differently. But I had to agree that having a positive relationship with your child should be top priority. I had to agree that she was doing an amazing job. I had to commend her for putting her son’s needs first and other people’s opinions off to the side.

And I had to thank her for sharing. For letting me in on this information that I was not entitled to. She didn’t need to tell me all these things over the course of so many conversations. If she were to explain herself to everyone that cast a judging glance, it would turn into a full time job that is so emotionally draining that it isn’t even an option. Yet she let me in to that space.

It was such an honor. 

This was such a new feeling for me.  To feel opposed to what I was seeing in another person’s behavior, and yet to accept that this was actually the best thing.  

It was uncomfortable. 

But slowly I was starting to realize something really important. 

I didn’t know what I didn’t know!

It has caused me to view people differently. To be much less judgmental.  To be less assuming of other people’s motives. To allow in my mind space for the idea that even though it doesn’t make sense to me, that it might actually be ok or even best. 

This goes beyond parenting. It can include how people choose to dress. The church they go to. The food they eat. Their lifestyle choices. Gender identity. Worship styles. We need to understand that we are all on a journey, and that they are in a different place than you. Why or how they got there? You don’t know. How long they’ll stay there? That’s their business. Whether it is right or wrong? That issue becomes irrelevant for most of the issues I’ve listed because they aren’t typically asking you to join their behaviors. What is relevant is whether or not we follow the example of Jesus and love them. Just the way they are.

I get it if you’re screaming inside right now. This concept goes against every fiber of my being… or it used to. I’m slowly getting better at it.

The fact is, you don’t know what you don’t know.  And you are almost never entitled to an explanation.  

Most of us have been on my side of this relationship. This happens all the time. 

Can we please drop the judgement? Can we instead offer compassion, a listening ear, or a helping hand? 

Can we also understand that being uncomfortable does not automatically mean something is bad or wrong?

Can we just stop assuming we know it all?

Love first.  

Relationships first.  

Jesus first. 

Because you don’t know what you don’t know.  

And if you’ve ever been on the side of receiving the judgment and stares, I am so sorry. I know it doesn’t feel good.

I reached out to my friend earlier this week.  It’s been a few years, but her relationship with her son is still strong. His relationship with God is thriving. He is actively growing in his friendships with others and many of those relationships center around God. Learning still comes differently for him than for most of us, yet he is determined and hard working and earning As and Bs. He plays sports and is good at it. He has a job as a lifeguard and even teaches swim lessons and coaches a swim team!  My heart is full just hearing this.  

Of course it’s not all perfect. None of us are. And if we were to hang out together for a while, perhaps I’d be bothered still by some of the behaviors and interactions I would witness. Perhaps. Or, and I hope this would be the case, I would look in wonder at what I was seeing. I would look at how far we’ve come. How many successes we’ve celebrated. How meaningful the relationship is with his family and friends. Sure, I would be curious about some things, but not judgey. And I’d know that even though I don’t understand it all, that’s ok.

I don’t know what I don’t know.  

And it’s not my place to know, most of the time.  

But I do know this: love and encouragement is always an appropriate response.

A response Jesus would approve of.

*I have since apologized to my children for parenting this way.  Placing behavior above relationship. Leaving out love much too often. I no longer view this parenting style as the gold star. Truly, I thank my friend for this.  And at times my new parenting style pushes me to feel uncomfortable.  But I remind myself that this is ok. It is a space to learn and grow. 

Because it has to be relationship first. 

Love first. 

Always.