The Waiting Walk

Maybe you already knew this, but 5th graders can be quite full of drama. Some of it is hilarious. Like the time one of my students was overheard at lunch time telling another student that she just felt like doing something insanely crazy sometimes. Like really crazy. Totally out of control. Something like taking a shower WITH HER SOCKS ON! Or going to bed and sleeping in REGULAR CLOTHES instead of pajamas. I tried not to choke on my lunch. That wasn’t what I was expecting to hear! If only we could all have our craziest wishes be so harmless…

But most of the drama I see in 5th grade isn’t this funny. Sadly. I could use a few more “shower with your socks on” days. Most of the drama is actually pretty hurtful. Because while all ages are sensitive and we all can get our feelings hurt, 5th grade is the beginning of puberty and so hormones have started to come into play on top of all the other normal human emotion stuff. My students are starting to feel even more self-conscious than they used to. And it seems that a whole lot of them decide to experiment with mean mode. To their credit, I don’t think many of my students intentionally decide to go be mean. Thankfully. But they don’t decide not to. And they do decide that their momentary pleasure and getting a laugh or two is worth exponentially more than the feelings of the person who becomes the brunt of their hurtful words or actions.

Let me just be clear that another reason I do love 5th grade is that even though this drama tends to pop up, they are old enough at this point for us to talk about it. To be brutally honest about how hurtful they were. And to really seek to make a lasting change in the way they process future decisions. I love 5th grade because they’re old enough to really start making their own choices, and often times they make really good changes. I love seeing that.

So a while ago we had yet another drama incident. A standard practice is to have each student sit down, describe on paper the actions (either that they did, or that were done to them, or both), describe how those actions affected them, and also take ownership for any part they played in the situation that was not healthy. Ideally an apology will follow this exercise, along with a determination to never let something like this ever happen again. Perhaps wishful thinking, but we must try!

It was girls this time. And Aurora was at the center again. She’s chronically involved with these dramas, and after a certain number of incidents with the same student involved, teachers start to connect the dots. We went through the whole thing, Aurora said her apology, and I left the offended student talking with the other teacher as I walked Aurora back down to the class we had pulled her out of for this discussion. As we walked, I decided to push her just a bit.

“Aurora, we keep having this same kind of drama in our class. Think about it. Let’s just be honest for a moment. Who do you think is the biggest instigator of these incidents. Who is it that is stirring things up and saying these hurtful things the most?”

And while I was hoping to hear the answer she gave me, it still took me back and gave me a little shock.

“Me.”

Wow. We had to walk another 10 feet before I could choke back a bit of emotion and find the words to commend her for her honesty, for being brave and mature enough to really own not just this one incident we had finished talking about, but the pattern that we were seeing in class. That was impressive, and I let her know it! Then I went one step further.

“So Aurora, tell me who has the most power in our class right now to flip things around and help our class become a safe space where everyone feels loved and welcome?”

Again her reply was just what I was hoping to hear.

“Me”

Yes, sweet girl, yes. You hold the power in the palms of your hands, on the tip of your tongue, and in the flash of your eyes. You hold the power to transform our space into something amazing and peaceful and full of safety and love. Or the opposite of that. The power is truly yours.

Now what will you choose to do with that power?

Friends, my guess is you hold a whole lot more power than you are aware of as well. The next move is yours!