Divorce was never on my list of dreams. Being a single mom, well, I always tried to feel empathy for them but I knew it was not something I’d ever have to experience. Or so I thought. Not having that one other person in your life, every day, to care about the mundane and the little things, to share inside jokes with… I miss that. Life these days doesn’t look anything like I thought it would even one year ago.
But here’s the thing. Sometimes experiencing life in a way we never dreamed would be ours to experience, it isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes the fears we have about the future turns out to be unfounded. Sometimes we might actually feel excited about something that seemed scary before.
Sometimes, frequently these days, there are tears. But a whole lot of the time, it’s hard to know what emotion those tears are expressing! Did you know that it is possible to feel happy, sad, grateful, and angry all at once? Like literally, all of those things in the very same moment? Perhaps even about the same exact thing.
Like being divorced. I feel all those things pretty much all the time. All at once.
It’s a little weird, to be honest.
My song these days is Goodness of God. I play it constantly. My church sings it about once a month and I just can’t get enough. Usually I can’t sing along for at least half of it because I’m just so overcome with the truth of the message. I guess I let my tears do the singing. Sometimes as I’m singing I wonder how it can be that I feel that God has been faithful when horrible things have happened to and around me and my family. But I do. I know that evil comes from the evil one, and yet despite the many attempts the devil makes to ruin our lives, God has been faithful. He is here. His goodness is running after me, pursuing me. It’s overwhelmingly beautiful.
And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
I am grateful that my kids are teenagers (did I just say that?) instead of small at this point in our lives. Being a single mom to kids who can drive themselves to school, games, church events, and friends’ homes is so much easier than the days of having to transport everyone everywhere. And huge bonus for feeling like my kids are actually, for the most part, with occasional exceptions, really responsible and respectful of what I’ve asked them to do. So I feel comfortable even when I can’t see them. I am so grateful for that.
I sent the two boys to the dentist without me last week because I was working, and then the next day I took the younger two because a parent had to be present for that age. The receptionist told me that my boys had been so super respectful and polite and she was just so incredibly impressed by them. She has two boys that age and wow, she didn’t think hers could ever act like that. I felt the tears well up. I am so proud of my kids. They are amazing. I can hardly take any of the credit at this point, though, because how many sweet kids turn into monster teens? Too many! I am grateful. It could be so different, but it isn’t.
I am sad for time lost and experiences not felt. My coworker had her daughter with her at school some time back. She’s about five years old, and she had a question while her mom was in the middle of a conversation. But instead of pushing her aside or impatiently telling her to wait, my coworker bent down, looked her in the eye and asked her what she needed. It was something small, simple, and a quick permission was giving and the child was happy and my friend went right back to her conversation and all was well in the world. I had to leave the room so the tears could flow. That was rarely how I responded when my kids were that age. It makes me so sad to remember how frustrated and impatient I felt ALL. THE. TIME. And yet while I feel so sad for sweet moments like this that didn’t happen often enough, I am so grateful that right now, my kids actually want a relationship with me. I wouldn’t fault them at all for never trusting me with their lives and emotions. And yes, it’s a bumpy ride at times. But we’re doing it. And we all actually like each other now. So sad and yet grateful tears flow often when I see interactions like these around me.
Dreams. The other morning my kiddo was driving me to work (we are down to one car while the other one gets some work done) and we were talking. He told me about watching a family while lifeguarding, and that as he watched this family interact, he knew he wanted to be that kind of person. That kind of man. That kind of dad. That kind of decent human being. Just hearing him dream this big, amazing dream of being a good person brought me to tears. By the time we got to work (guess it’s good it’s less than 10 minutes and through quiet neighborhoods) we were both in tears. To have my 17 year old son consciously analyzing the world around him and choosing what he wants to emulate – and he’s choosing the good – what more could a mom ask for? He watches his friends and their families. He watches people at church. Folks, our teens are watching YOU. And he is picking out the good, and choosing to copy that. I am so proud of him.
Of course he will be that kind of man.
He already is.
I spoke with a friend the other day who I hadn’t connected with in a while. When I asked how she was doing, she was honest (I love that she was honest) and said “not well.” Her husband wants a divorce. She loves him. She wants to stay married. She’s broken and devastated and doesn’t even know what to do next. I offered the support I could, but what are words in these moments?
When I was alone, it hit me all over again. I had been there. I was her. Devastated. Willing to do anything to make it work. In love. Broken. Hurt. Angry. Sad. I couldn’t see the future as being anything but bleak if my marriage fell apart. And what about the kids?
It’s been several months since I felt those feelings. I think I put them in a box back at the beginning of the year. I have been checking on them every so often, to see if they’re still there. They are. I keep asking them them if they want to come out yet, and they kept saying no. Until that day. There is power in feeling other people’s pain, and for her, they came out. Oh, if I could do anything to take away her pain, to “fix it” and put things “back together” again… But God is a God who does not force, and He lets us make our own choices. Even when those choices devastate others around us. And so I cried for her. And I cried for me. And I sat in that pain for the first time in several months, and yes, it still hurt.
But next to that pain sat my gratefulness. Because my present reality is one where my kids and I not only love each other, but we FEEL love for each other. We ACT like we love each other. We talk, we laugh, we play, we do fun things. We dream. And I love this. And I didn’t have this before. And this present reality is a good one. I hope her marriage is saved, and that she can experience all those things in a renewed marriage. But if it can’t, I am living proof that God is more than faithful, and He will be to her as well.
See what I’m saying? Grateful and sad and happy and angry. All at once.
Tears of pain.
Tears of joy.
Tears of…I don’t even know why I’m crying right now but they want to come out and so I’m going to let them.
So here I am. A happy tearful mess. Full of sadness that is overshadowed by gratefulness and joy.
I have a little house that will someday be super cute (lol, it’s a little cute already, but I intend to make it cuter).
I have friends who check on me regularly and make sure I’m doing OK.
I have church support from multiple churches who make sure I’m connected, I’m cared for, I have a place, and they are helping to make sure that keeping my kids in school is not a financial burden. I am so incredibly thankful for this.
God has provided above and beyond what I need.
And so I am committed to riding out this adventure. To feeling all the feelings, whenever they decide to show up. Loss of what was. Gratefulness for what is.
I am committed to being that safe person for someone else, for my children, for my students, for my friends. To letting go of fear when the future is not going “according to plan,” and letting God work out the details on whatever path He sees fit for me to travel.
‘Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I’m gonna sing of the goodness of God
The Waiting Walk 
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