The Waiting Walk

Freedom. I don’t normally do New Years resolutions, but this year when a friend asked what everyone’s “one word” was, I instantly knew. Freedom. That is my word for 2022.

“It was for freedom that Christ set us free…”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:1‬

Freedom in Christ. Freedom to live. To breathe. To serve. To love. Freedom to be who God has created me to be. Freedom to grow and thrive in Christ.

I praise God that I am experiencing His presence, His freedom, a deep peace and joy in Christ. And it’s such a sweet feeling. A feeling that, unfortunately, I haven’t felt in a very long time. And as so often happens, it took a very difficult situation for me to come to God and surrender to Him as I should have done long ago. Sometimes we don’t realize other things have crept to a higher place in our hearts than God. I didn’t. But praise God for His love and mercy and willingness to meet us where we are, pick us up, and lead us back to walking in step with Him. My journey with God has just grown and blossomed exponentially since last Fall – I’m so loved by and in love with Jesus again! And He has been preparing me for what was coming.

The catalyst that drove me to my knees was my husband seriously talking divorce in October of 2021. He had been struggling with some things – turns out they were bigger than I had imagined. I was praying and seeking reconciliation for the next three months. And it was very apparent that God was actively working; I felt Him moving in my own heart like I haven’t felt in years. I had become someone I didn’t recognize in the mirror – angry, ugly, bitter. I didn’t even want to live with me at that point, so my poor family… When I prayed that God would reveal truth, would shine His light into any darkness in our lives, He began His answer by letting me see me as I really was – and how much He loved me and wanted so much more for me. I confessed and apologized to my family and determined that nothing would separate me from this connection with God again.

I also continued to pray that light would shine into the darkness that still pervaded our home.

He answered.

The truth was revealed. Light shone into the darkness. And while darkness is never pretty, having the truth in the open brought an overwhelming sense of peace and provided absolute clarity as to what my next steps needed to be. 

And so I made the hardest decision of my life. 

The divorce papers were signed at the end of March 2022. The kids and I spent a few weeks lying low at the beginning of the year as it was all unfolding, but then we integrated into a warm church community where a lot of their high school friends attend – it has been a huge blessing, and we can’t wait to see how God continues to lead us in our relationship with Him as well as figuring out our new role in ministry.

Through this process, the support I have felt has been above and beyond what I would have even dared to hope. I have literally felt the prayers of so many friends over the last few months, and I know that these were physically upholding me. The level of physical help in getting our home ready to sell as well as helping fix up a few things that fell apart right in the middle of the chaos (water dripping out of the ceiling light fixtures is just never a good thing!) has been overwhelming. And financial support has come in, even though that isn’t something I’m asking for at the moment. All our needs have been met, and we are overflowing with blessings and with gratitude.

If you’re wondering how we are doing, here are a few of the things I look at right now as our thermometer:

• I hear laughter in our home on a daily basis – deep, unquenchable laughter. It’s contagious! It’s beautiful.
• I am sleeping at night, soundly and without waking – this has not happened for years. Do you know how much better life feels when you’re well-rested? It’s amazing!
• There are conversations happening between myself and my children that have never happened before – the good kind! You already knew this, but I have some incredible kids!
• There is a lot LESS bickering and fussing and fighting among the children than ever before (they’re still siblings so I don’t know that total eradication will ever be a reality…)
• In March, my blood work looked better than it has in years. Last year my doctor told me that based on my blood work, I was the “healthiest most stressed-out person” she’d ever seen but healthy or not, if I didn’t relieve some stress then I would break! My body is feeling better now. So is my brain.

This doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It doesn’t mean we aren’t experiencing a huge loss and feeling the grief of that.

We still get cross and grouchy at each other for no apparent reason.

I wish things were different. I believe in marriage for life. I believe in a God who can work miracles. But I recognize that allowing the freedom to choose is inherent in our God being a God of love. He will never force us to follow His will. And so I believe that when free will is exercised and the results bring destruction and heartache, that God is big enough to handle even that, to bring beauty from the broken. So whether I’m feeling broken, whole, beautiful, a mess, or all of that at once, I believe – I KNOW – that I am enough, God is sufficient, and our future is bright.

I am just so thankful for all that God is to me, has provided for me, and has promised me through this journey. I truly am just so full of anticipation about what He has in store for our family.

Your continued prayers for us – and for my ex – are so welcome and so appreciated.

…and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free… So if the Son sets you free, you really will be free. John 8:32,36

(Thank you to those of you who have reached out after hearing rumors to just let me know you were there. That has really meant the world.)